So, you missed out on your chance to woo Prince William and become the Duchess of Cambridge. (Darn that beautiful Kate Middleton!) The good news? You still have a shot at getting close to the royals if your baby marries the royal baby. Not sure how to master this feat? If Kate Middleton’s family can do it, you surely can too. Here, a simple list of shortcuts to propel your baby to the top of society and right into the royal family.
School. Your baby is in the womb -- it's time to find a quality British boarding school. If your baby is already out of the womb, you're too late. Make another baby, and as soon as you have the first bouts of nausea, start interviewing. Remember, the royals of every country send their offspring to Brit boarding schools, so even if you're trying to raise a future sultan, you'll have to start here.
Eating elegantly. Nothing says "lack of sophistication" like a toddler with a face full of mushy Cheerios. Young ones with a regal bearing sit at tables in hand-crafted wooden highchairs (the kind you can see gorgeous knots in), waiting patiently to receive their soft-boiled eggs in gilded cups. Upon receiving these from a hand maiden (note: get a hand maiden), they gently crack the eggs once, perhaps twice, with a monogrammed miniature spoon to commence consumption. Your young one should eat accordingly. After all, you're preparing them for a lifetime of world-class dinners.
Socialization. If you think the playground is a good place to meet other like-minded kidlets, you're wrong, and you're obviously not getting the point here. Please start back at step one. If you have been following diligently (like a good boarding school student's parent would), please go out of your way to find the local thoroughbred stables in your area. In fact, your area might not be good enough, so if you must remain stateside, I recommend wintering in either Palm Beach or San Diego. Your child should be first acquainted with horses in the womb, if possible, with horse neigh soundtracks. Months zero through 36 will be spent frequenting the stables and sniffing hay and manure. Months 36 onward require a horse trainer, riding teacher, monogrammed saddle and a riding crop. Using these items for Halloween will never, ever be permitted. This is a lifestyle, not a joke.
First words. "Ball" or "Dada" will simply not work for a child of superiority. In the event your baby utters these words first, he or she is considered unfit for royal life. Press "reset." Make a new child. Acceptable first words include things like tea, gardening, colonization, petticoat, cashmere, yacht, and/or more. As in "more soft-boiled eggs on my yacht, please." Coaxing and training are both strongly encouraged
Wardrobe. Synthetic materials need not apply. Should you find yourself loaded with baby clothes with "poly" anything, you must return them at once. The only fabrics suitable for baby's wardrobe include: cashmere, lightweight cashmere, pima cotton (regular cotton is just so... common), linen, lambswool, silk, velvet (velvet is not the same as velour, just to be clear), calfskin leather, pony hair, and possibly mink, depending on if you're raising an Eastern European royal.
Remember, we can't all be princesses (sorry, Mom). But, we can teach our children to be social climbers.
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